Gratitude #24

I am grateful to the man or woman who invented the sports bra - more particularly - the Icebreaker sports bra. It's the first time in my life I haven't had to constantly yank at my bra to keep it from creeping up. In fact, it's so comfortable that I forget I'm wearing it - once I've got it on.

There's the rub, of course, getting it on. It was this past February at Valhalla Pure's annual winter sale that I decided to try on the Icebreaker bra. Took it into the dressing room and noticed it had no back closure. No front closure either. Simple - just slip it over your head. I proceeded to do that.

Have you seen the YouTube video for American's Got Talent where the dancer/contortionist dislocates his shoulders on purpose? That's what I tried to do to get into the bra. First I hunched my shoulders up as high around my ears as I could. The bra at this point had slipped down my arms far enough to effectively pin them to the side of my head so that my hands - which I needed to yank the bra down to chest level - acted more like dolphin flippers rather than human hands with opposable thumbs.

So I shimmied and twisted and writhed vigorously (thank god I learned to dance in the sixties) until it finally began to slide down into position. A few last yanks - then grabbing each boob and pulling it up inside the bra - and there we had it. Perfect.

Now sports bras don't do anything for you cleavage-wise. So if you're looking for that flattering, alluring, chesty look, this is not the product for you. It tends so squash your boobs into one amorphous blob - but it's magnificently comfortable. Yup - this is for me, I decided.

So I took it off so that I could take it to the cash register to pay for it. But there was the rub. I know I got it on - how do I get it off? I crossed my arms and tried to reach behind me to pull it off. Not a chance. First I wiggled and yanked until I kind of had it bunched up under my armpits. Then I bent over (thank god I can still touch my toes) and struggled mightily until one finger made tentative contact with some fabric at my back. Slowly, painfully, I wiggled and grasped and pulled - tried once again without success to dislocated my shoulders - until it began to edge up, taking a fair amount of scraped skin with it. Panting from my exertions, I whipped it off over my head a good fifteen minutes later.

I wanted to buy it but how could I own something that I could possibly never get on or, for that matter, get off again? I know that Icebreaker Merino is non-stinky but surely if I am forced to wear it for six months or more day in and day out it's going to reek eventually.

I hung it back on the rack but unwilling to give up I went to Frontrunners to try on different brands of sports bras. Maybe Icebreaker was specifically manufactured for contortionists - a different brand would be better.

I spent a good half hour at Frontrunners trying on three other brands. Yes, that took thirty minutes because the agony of on and off was pretty much the same with each one. By bra number three it was getting a tiny bit better. So I bit the bullet and bought Icebreaker because none fit better.

I've been wearing these sports bras since February. It gets better. Now it only takes 10 minutes to get it off and I only give myself whiplash every other day. Still, once it's on, it's fantastic!