2010

I'm taking the rest of the year off.

There's something very delicious about starting a day off knowing there isn't a single "have-to" in it - only self imposed ones. In other words, I don't even have to vacuum today if I don't want to.

I can do anything I want. That includes shopping for a new Mac, which I am tempted to do. What stops me is not the money or the shops - it's the enormous hassle of data transfer. The person who one day invents a simple 2-step, five minute process for transferring data between an old and a new computer will become an instant billionaire. I know that I always have to set aside two days before every last piece is in place.

So - I shall wait until next year to buy a Mac. It takes me a full year to work myself up to it.

By next year I will be even more retired than I am now - I think.

Lazy

I really like not working. This statement comes after five days off. All right - I only have two stories to write today and one of them is already done. It's no hardship. I could handle three stories a day every day and be pretty idle most of the time.

But you know what I really look forward to? Lunch, followed by a nap. Yup - it's my favourite part of the day. My second favourite part is walking with Abby. And my third favourite is doing mindless things on the computer, reading and otherwise woolgathering (or belly button lint picking depending on whether or not my belly button is exposed, which pretty well relegates that to a summer activity - and I promise - never in public. No one over the age of 16 should be exposing their belly button unless they are on a beach.).

But I digress. Where were we? Oh yes, the parts of the day I really like. I really, really, really like getting into bed at the end of the day with a good book and snuggling under my 800 thread count or flannel sheets (again - this is seasonal and I'll let you figure it out) topped by a fluffy duvet.

Photos

I love photography, a love I semi-discovered in my early twenties when I was married to a semi-professional photographer (and I have nude stills of me to prove it) but that I only really started developing recently. I adore my Lumix that I can slip into a back pocket and take with me everywhere. Nature - I want to photograph nature in all her moods and seasons - just point and shoot and come home and fix what needs to be fixed in PhotoShop (usually contrast levels).

One great advantage of winter is the quality of light - magic hour almost all day long.

Doing Work

Here's my theory about work - get it done first.

Even when I don't want to tackle a chore - especially a really big one - I handle it as quickly as possible. If I don't, it nags at me. It's an incomplete. I can't fully enjoy myself if there's a baby elephant that needs to be washed.

I spent an hour on the phone going over requirements for a web site on Thursday. I had two weeks to do the writing. But I also had five days off - to think about the work and stew about getting it done - and it's a large project.

I did the outline and first draft on Friday morning, which guaranteed peace of mind until today. So, I honed it this morning. Now all it needs is one final read through before it goes to the client tomorrow - far ahead of schedule. That leaves plenty of time for revisions.

And it feels awfully good. Now it's time for play. I wish The King's Speech was playing locally. It's the movie I really want to see.

Icebreaker

I'm not what I would call a "shopper." I don't like browsing through stores, hunting for bargains and picking up things I don't really need. I'm not really "stuff" oriented.

And then there's Boxing Day. It's one of my few shopping days in the year. (outside essential shopping days like Chapter for books - but then that's like shopping for groceries - a dire necessity).

So today I arrived at Valhalla Pure (my favourite store) about five minutes before the doors opened. They opened - I headed straight for the Icebreaker area. And if you have never heard of Icebreaker, I suggest www.icebreaker.com - it's truly the best and most sustainably created outdoor clothing in the world. The pure Merino is as find as silk or as rugged as the toughest synthetic outdoor wear. And no, it wasn't all on sale. Did I care? Not really. I wanted (and bought) the new all Merino fleecy jacket, a heavyweight sweater, a silky under layer, gloves and a hat. I have already put the fleecy, gloves and hat to the test. As expected, they passed with flying colours. This stuff is worth the premium price.

Then it was off to Chapters for their annual 30 percent off hard cover sale - that's 40 percent with my Chapters card. Then I made the fatal mistake of entering Woodgrove. It was mad - just mad. I was thinking new jeans but by the time I'd been there 15 minutes, I had to leave - in fact, I had to leave, go home, have lunch and take an extra long nap.

I'll buy jeans some other time. And sweat pants - I need sweat pants - also, another time. Meanwhile, I have all the necessities a girl could ask for: Icebreaker, good books and dark chocolate. Life is good.

Christmas

What else is there to say really, except Merry Christmas!

I wish for the peace, love and joy that fills much of the world at this time of year, to linger throughout the next twelve months. Imagine how different the world would be!

For me, a single person living alone, with family in Ontario, Christmas Day is really about a day of peace and relaxation. Tomorrow is my big day. The doors to Valhalla Pure open at ten a.m. and I'll be there and I'll be heading straight for the Icebreaker rack! I am going to treat myself to every single thing I want with no holds barred. What fun!

Then it's off to Chapters and then a very fast cruise through Woodgrove Centre, ostensibly to see what is on sale, but in truth to buy more dark chocolate at Bernard Callebaut.

Love and peace to all.

Decisions

Yesterday - and the day before, if the truth be told, I was having second thoughts - maybe even regrets - about telling M there would be no romance in our future. Perhaps I'd made the wrong choice. Perhaps I should have given it more time. After all, we could have spent Christmas together - and wouldn't that be better than spending Christmas alone?

And then I thought back to his kiss and I found myself pulling back. "No!" my mind shouted. "You did not make the wrong decision." And then I had one of those lovely flashes of insight that puts a huge smile on my face. I recalled, in one nanosecond, all the decisions I have made about men in my life - and there are actually an awful lot now that I think of it - all the "no" choices, many of which, in retrospect, I have had second thoughts about, and I realized that I have made the right decision every single time. I have trusted my instincts, relied on my heart, and have made the best choice for me in every case - and that includes in this most recent instant as well.

Now, isn't that enough to make anyone smile? I trust myself to make the right choices in life.

This morning's thought was about happiness. I am happy. Every day my happiness grows. Now - listen to this - I think that making ourselves happy is very possibly the biggest and most important job we have on this planet. I'm not talking about a quick burst of happiness when we buy a new toy; I'm talking about genuine, deep-rooted, heart-felt happiness. When I feel that deep happiness, it permeates every cell of my body, and science knows that our thoughts affect the very structure of our cells. So - if I am happy, I am building happy cells and when those cells become something else (we build an entire new body of cells every seven years), then happiness is being scattered into the world. At the same time, wave lengths of happiness are radiating out from my body and penetrating all the matter and energy in the universe.

Happiness may well be our most potent weapon for peace on earth.

So come on - get happy!

Thanksgiving

So many things to give thanks for today. I can start with sunshine on my walk with Abby this morning. I can continue with reminding you that today we have three seconds more daylight than yesterday and tomorrow seven seconds more. Another blessing? The frantic pre-holiday work schedule is rapidly winding down. I will have five days off! And then there was the delight of French class yesterday. As it becomes more and more conversational - and immersion conversational, it's also more and more fun. Classes begin again in January. At this rate, I ought to be pretty fluent within a year. And then there's German - must get cracking a bit more sharply there but that's coming along nicely as well.

And so, what a wonderful time of year to give thanks - to relax and look at life and simply appreciate everything I have - my puppy happily chewing her bone out on the deck, work I love doing, my warm and cozy home, my loving and caring and miraculous friends, my amazing good health and fitness, my abundance in all things. 2011 is going to be amazing!

Happy Winter

Happy winter!

Tomorrow will be three seconds longer.

For those of us who adore long days with heat and sunshine, that is not an insignificant number. And, although I will always love spring and summer, this year, finally, I am relishing the season. Perhaps it's because I sense this great internal freedom I haven't allowed myself to really feel my entire working life. There was always a "have-to" there. (I have to work to earn money to keep a roof over my head or I will end up an old bag lady living in the streets and eaten by wild dogs).

And so, the joy I found was in summer with its long days that somehow made work appear to not take up as large a part of those days. Now, I no longer have-to, unless I choose to impose them on myself - which I still do frequently enough. And so I am giving thanks every day for the wonders and miracles of every day - like the trumpeter swans who spend the winter on the pond and the mystical quality of the early morning winter light and the sweet smell of the damp earth and the coziness of snuggling on the couch with a good book while  the world throws a dark blanket across my windows.

Life is good - and the days are getting longer.

on again?

So today I'm thinking that I do like M after all. Isn't this fun? I could play this game all the way until - let's see - January 27 - that's when he comes to the island to do The Pursuit of Excellence!

Maybe I'll like him more then.

Or less.

Does it really matter?

Meanwhile, I believe it's true that work is an essential part of a successful, fulfilling retirement - and that means work of any sort, paid or unpaid - something to be passionate about and mainly, something to DO. That said, this week looks like a full time job and nothing at all like retirement. Everyone wants to get their deadlines in before the holidays. Oh well, just remember what the editor said to the journalist as the work piled up and the deadline drew nearer: "Type faster."

re-start

I think the saga of M is complete. Yesterday he confessed that the entire time we were communicating, there was another woman he was also in communication with every day.

Now - is that okay? Should I feel fine with that? After all, we're only at the "getting to know you" stage, right?

But you know what? I'm not okay with it. We had been carrying the conversation to enough depth that he should either have concentrated on just one of us, or told me there was someone else. So - we can be friends - no more. All other possibilities appear to have been wiped away.

Plenty of Fish - I'm back!

Attraction

M asked me about physical attraction. Do I not find him attractive? If I am attracted to everything else about him, why am I not physically drawn in? What's missing?

I thought a long time before venturing to answer the question. To describe what is missing is hard at best. Imagine walking though a forest and trying to describe what you don't see. Now imagine how easy it is to describe everything that's there - the moss, the towering firs and cedars, the earthy smell of mushrooms hidden in the wet grass....

I can describe what I like about M. I like his intelligence. I like the way he loves his dogs and his gentleness with them. I like his world view. I like his concern for the environment and I like that he walks his talk - he is actually creating a sustainable environment. I like his openness and his willingness to be vulnerable. I like his honesty - he has already earned my trust. I like his sensitivity to boundaries.

There is a lot to like.

What is missing from this list?

I know that the things that have drawn me in to men in the past have been charisma, self assurance and humour - the more wicked the humour the better. These are not words I would use to describe M.

And that's the best I can do. Despite the rain and the "gloomy" day, I will be hiking for two hours this afternoon - and enjoying every wet minute of it.

What will happen with M? I don't know. And really, it doesn't matter one bit. I am resting comfortably in the sure knowledge that I am being as honest with myself and with him as I possibly can be - and so it will all unfold as it should.

Is M still in my life?

Today's question is an interesting one. After another mild flurry of emails, I realize how much I really like this guy - and how much I want to take it slowly. I certainly want his friendship. Will anything else develop? Two days ago I would have said, "no." Today, I'm open. What I am truly open to is honouring my emotions and my feelings and particularly, my boundaries. I am open to possibilities. Either way, I am happy - and that is the best piece of news.

I really do like him.

friends

I love how things always seem to turn out well - even when, at the moment, they don't seem to be. Take the man, for instance. (let's start calling him M - for man) I suspect that M and I are going to be friends. He is still most eager to take the Pursuit of Excellence in January and that pleases me inordinately. I think it's going to make a big, positive difference in his life and give him some really great results.

Also, of course, patting self on back for being such a good sales person. The secret? Listen. Ask what he or she really wants in life. When you can demonstrate why the product you have will fill their wants and needs, you have a sale. And that applies to everything - whether you're selling bedtime to a toddler or a riding lawn mower to the owner or an estate.

Off to a party with the French classes - I understand there are games on tap - and I enjoy few things more than games! Let them begin!

Life isn't just good - it's spectacular.

Instincts

I followed my instincts and I am pleased to report that they are intact and functioning one hundred percent. Saying good-bye to the man was surprisingly easy and the right thing to do. I think I dodged a bullet.

The right person is out there for him.

The right person is out there for me.

The rightest person for me - the one I love and trust like no other - is me - and my faith in myself continues to grow.

I am also greatly blessed to have amazing friends - the ones I can call who listen and hear me. Thank you S.

I am greatly at peace with my life and with the splendid unveiling of my miraculous future. The excitement mounts.

Questions about the man

I don't know if I can do this. Does it get harder to start a relationship as we get older? Is it more difficult because of the distance involved? With distance the time together is intense and protracted - no movie and dinner nights - whole weekends at a time.

So last night we talked about him coming here for Christmas and we agreed to do that. This morning I want to run. It's too much. But I doubt myself. He's a terrific guy. I like him. I like his lifestyle and his dogs and we have fun together. But when he puts his arms around me I want to pull away. There is no "fire in the belly" so to speak. Is this something that would come with time? Or not? Am I willing to give it time when time spent together is so intense that I want to pull away more than I want to be close?

These are a lot of questions. I ask myself if the reason I want to run is because I have moved out of my comfort zone - in a good way. I wanted a relationship that is different - and this one has that potential. But all my instincts are saying "no."

Is he at the top or bottom end of my comfort zone? Do I like being alone so much that I no longer want a relationship at all? More questions.

What I think (feel, sense, intuit) is that this one was close but no cigar and that I should follow my gut feeling and continue to look. Just because I said I wanted something completely different, doesn't mean I ruled out passion - in fact, I was quite clear that passion had to be part of the picture. Do I want to settle for something that is "almost" perfect? I don't think so - I have never been willing to settle for anything in my life. I want it all and I know that I can have it all.

Perhaps I need to look at this as another step on the path that is bringing me closer to the relationship that I want.

Questions and thoughts to mull over today. Advice is welcome. Decisions must be made by end of day. Deep breath - trusting myself to do what is right.

Gratitude

I was thinking about gratitude this morning - and last night. I think gratitude may be the single most powerful emotion we possess.

I have a tiny book called, "Always We Begin Again" (The Benedictine Way of Living) by John McQuiston II and I am drawn again and again to The First Rule of St. Benedict.

"Attend to these instructions, listen with the heart and the mind; they are provided in a spirit of goodwill.

These words are addressed to anyone who is willing to renounce the delusion that the meaning of life can be learned; whoever is ready to take up the greater weapon of fidelity to a way of living that transcends understanding.

The first rule is simply this:

live this life and do whatever is done, in a spirit of Thanksgiving.

Abandon attempts to achieve security, they are futile.

give up the search for wealth, it is demeaning.

quit the search for salvation, it is selfish.

and come to comfortable rest in the certainty that those who participate in this life with an attitude of Thanksgiving will receive its full promise."

The man - a meeting

The meeting - at last! So, let's start by cutting to the chase. Yes, we are going to meet again and yes we are making all sorts of plans.

Two days - his dogs are wonderful and Abby was the consummate hostess, sharing all her toys and inviting them to play. She showed them all her favourite spots in the back 40, took them on a day-long hike up a mountain and even shared her bed (well, she does have more than one).

Speaking of sharing beds. You'd like to know, wouldn't you? (and you actually think I'm going to tell?) He's intelligent, highly educated, extremely fit and, best of all, we share all the same values - caring about the environment, social justice and so on. And he walks his talk, creating a sustainable organic farm on his acreage and so on.

We also argue - and we do it well. We really like each other. We have also agreed to go slowly, to build this on a strong foundation of shared values and friendship. He is eager to take the Pursuit of Excellence in January - how could he not be? We hiked for 6.5 hours - that's a very long introductory session!

What's next? Christmas together.

The Man

The man is arriving in less than two hours

"nuff said

reports to come

more idleness

What I thought was going to be a very productive day, will now be another day filled with more idelness. Can I handle it? You bet! I'm getting better at it every day. Although, I did just remember that I have a heap of French homework to do dealing with imparfait and conditionnel tenses - write and deliver a speech - sheesh! Work would be easier.

Reminding self - learning is fun. I chose to do this.

The rain has abated - the sun is poking through a hole in the clouds. I must take this opportunity to walk with Abby on the back 40 and give her a bone to gnaw on out on the deck. Then - to work. Only one more day until the man arrives - the man plus his two dogs. Excited? Oh yes.

Book Review - The Lacuna

The Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver.

There isn't much I can say about this Orange Prize winner that hasn't already been said by well versed professional book reviewers. If you are in the least familiar with the author, her previous works and her formidable reputation, then you know that when I say  this book lives up to her rep, you'll know that's all that needs to be said.

This is an important book, more so than her previous works, even The Poisonwood Bible. The Lacuna is rich in allegory and metaphor. While we may read this book, feeling far removed from events that occurred 50 years ago in Mexico and The United States, we much realize in these pages that we are not removed at all. History repeats itself, again and again. If we are even remotely appalled by the injustices and madness of Hiroshima and McCarthyism, perhaps we need to raise our heads out of the holes where we have been hiding them, and look around at Afghanistan, Iraq and the insanities of the Far Right.... the foundation was laid more than 50 years ago. The Lacuna is historical fiction at its best.

Idle

There is a trick to being idle. It isn't easy and I'm not sure that it comes naturally. After years of working - and working - and working - I am learning how to be idle. Today, for instance, I had only one story to write. The rest of the time I walked with Abby and read and washed the floors and wasted time on the computer - easy to do.

Somehow, an idle Monday is entirely different from an idle Sunday. Yesterday, it was delicious and lazy - a day of rest. Today it was frought with thoughts of "But I should be working." I'm getting better at chasing these thoughts away but I don't suspect I'll overcome them entirely within the next day or two.

Still - getting better - getting much better.

movie review

So I downloaded "Going the Distance" - a romcom "chick flick" about a long distance relationship. Coincidence?   I"m saying it is and I'm sticking by it.

Here's my recommendation - don't bother with this one. You can find a better way to spend 90 minutes - like hot waxing all the hair off your big toes.

On the other hand, if you have not yet read "The Lacuna" by Barbara Kingsolver, do it. I'm not finished yet, but it certainly appears to rank right up there with "The Poisonwood Bible" and "Prodigal Summer."

Hike

Few things are as glorious as a very strenuous hike up a mountain, with 40 minutes of it being very steep and taxing on your legs and your cardiovascular system. This is especially true when the hike is through an elfin forest so beautiful you really do expect magical creatures to come popping out from behind a moss covered boulder - and then to reach such a delightful view at the top. When you complete that hike with a good friend and two very happy dogs - well, it doesn't get much better.

And afterwards? The rewards go far beyond being relieved that it's all over and you're still in one piece. Oh yes - far beyond. First, there's the deep, dark organic chocolate bar in the car on the way home; second, there's checking email to find a message from the man; third, a bubble bath.

A day doesn't get much more perfect than that.

Aging Well

With age comes wisdom , or so the adage says. This can be true - but the wisdom must be cultivated. With age can also come stubbornness, apathy and laxity.

Wisdom comes to those who seek knowledge, particularly knowledge of themselves. The secret is never to stop learning. That is the true fountain of youth. The most exciting words? "I didn't know that!"

Learn learn and then learn more. Never stop thirsting for knowledge. True wisdom is knowing what you don't know and committing to finding out.

Happy

It's quite possible that I'm the happiest, luckiest, most blessed person in the world?

Why? I am living a life filled with blessings - the small things - a beautiful home, a dog, health, energy, love and abundance of all things. I can get as excited about a trip to the grocery store as a first class flight to Paris. Yes I can!

And rightly so.

Work

My brother retired a few years ago - not like I retired - he did it in the more traditional way. After serving as CFO for a major corporation for some years, he threw in the towel, walked out, and began a life of leisure, which included buying more than one house in the country, doing multiple renovations, taking up a new hobby and playing golf.

When I first began to talk to him about retirement, he said, "keep working." He also mentioned that he wished he had more "consulting" work to do.

I gather from his example, and by that of quite a few other people, that "keep working" is sound advice. The key, however, is to work at something you love, preferably at something you are passionate about. That is the direction I am heading. Right now I work at things I am good at. More and more I am working where my passion lies. Result? Happiness.

We need to feel useful, needed, accomplished. Most of us need a sense of achievement or recognition. Work we love doing can provide that. And that sort of work should never end. When was the last time you saw a great Hollywood director or actor retire? Or a writer? Or an artist?