still learning

Yup - at the ripe old age of almost 65, I am still learning - daily. Some lessons are harder than others - like lessons about my shortcomings. But the only way I know how to grow is to be brutally honest with myself - and to ask my friends to be honest as well and to support me in my growth.

It isn't easy.

But the good news is that I am learning and growing and I want to keep doing that for life. After all, it is the learning and growth, much of it the result of mistakes, that makes life so worthwhile.

I see myself as a flawed person but with a good heart and good intentions. I am happy that I am willing to admit my mistakes - more and more quickly, that I am willing to learn from them and then move on. I want to grow and stretch.

On another note, I am becoming royally sick and tired of the "news." Specifically I am talking about the news generated in the US. It's gone beyond fear-based and ratcheted up to panic-based. That's irresponsible. I'm beginning to think that it's a great plot to control the masses because, hey, people are easier to control when they're scared.

I have to stop reading the online newspapers. I can't imagine how much worse it must be for those who watch television.

quiet morning

I'm having an unexpectedly quiet morning. I thought I would have an interview early today and write for the rest of the morning - well, that is not to be. Rescheduling.....

I will make a call about the permanent makeup today - I think I'm going to do it. I just love the idea of never fussing in front of a mirror again. And speaking of fussing, I think I'm going to have my hair cut really short again. I'm done with long hair that's fly-away, kinky and hard to manage.

Simplify - that seems to be my goal now.

And I like it.

Saying No

I said "No" to three story assignments this morning - and I'm still breathing through it.

So much comes up for me around that. Things like: "A good person would never say no." "A good person says yes and always does what is expected of her no matter how unreasonable that is." "It's selfish to put your needs in front of those of others"."

You get the picture.

On top of that is the fear that people will hate me if I say no - the fact that I say yes is why they like me in the first place.

Yup - that's what goes on for me and that's what I am working through. Learning to listen to my inner voice. to say yes only to what I truly want to do and believing that my value lies in who I am not in saying yes to everything.

I suspect this will be a process, just like retiring is a process. I just have to remember what all these self development programs keep stressing: trust the process.

Lazy Sunday

I love Sundays like this. It's the perfect day. The day after a long hike - a day with nothing that I "have to" do. Just a morning to wake up slowly, take Abby for a walk. meander verrrry slowly around the market (while buying fresh artisan bread, ripe beefsteak tomatoes, cauliflower, Yukon Gold potatoes) and then back home. The door to the deck is open (where Abby is dozing in the sun) - the sun and warmth are pouring through along with an occasional wasp just to keep things interesting.

Lazy - no plans for the rest of the morning. But I can tell you that I plan on having that fresh crusty bread for lunch along with a tomato and avocado and fresh picked lettuce from my garden. I plan on a lovely nap and dark chocolate afterwards and then a leisurely walk with Abby. I may work in the garden for a bit. I'll sprawl on the couch and read.

I love a day like this - a bare feet and shorts day - a summer day.

I also completed my commitment on the cabin in Big Sur - wrote the deposit cheque and put it in an envelope - I'm off to the post office tomorrow. Lovely, lovely, lovely.

Life is good.

hiking Arrowsmith

Do you see the smiles on the faces of these puppies? You just have to assume that their humans - M and I - were smiling just as happily.

What could be better on a beautiful, sunny August day than taking your dogs on a hike up Mount Arrowsmith? Not much that I can think of.

And so that was my day. To top it off I just had a nice bubble bath - Abby is sleeping the sleep of the blissfully tired dog on the deck and I am about to sprawl out on the couch with a good book.

Life is amazing!

commitment

I don't know hwy, but I find commitment very hard sometimes. But I did it! And it's so true what they say - that commitment is the ultimate freedom. You take all other options off the table and you are finally free to move forward rather than being stuck in a place of indecision.

And so I have confirmed and booked my cabin for a week in Big Sur. Hurrah!

This is for next year in September. I will leave the day after Labour Day - and this is usually the time of "best weather" on the coast. I plan to take the ferry from Victoria to Port Townsend and then a leisurely 6 days driving down the coast. After a week in Big Sur (heaven) I will drive down to Pismo Beach, over to the Grand Canyon and then back up through Utah's Canyonlands, Yellowstone, the Tetons and home.

I love travelling and I love that elusive thing called "home." I realize now too why I scrapped Europe in favour of Big Sur. For many years, a little village in Switzerland was my "home" place. Now that is no longer true. Who would have thought that this might ever change?

It did.

Home now feels more like Big Sur - and the Oregon Coast - and maybe, just maybe even this place where I live. So I not only get to love my familiar places all over again, I also get to see huge chunks of country I have never seen. I think I'm going to have a very good time.

feeling good

Feeling good - feeling yummy - life is marvelous!

How's that for profound? Okay - deep and meaningful writing: clearly something I will have to work on. But it's warm and it's sunny; the door to the deck is open. Bees are buzzing around the raspberries and Abby is sunning herself on the deck. I only have a couple of chapters left on "One Day" - a damn fine book! Surprisingly good. I will probably even see the move but not until it comes out on iTunes.

Tomorrow I'll go blueberry picking and Sunday hiking on Mount Arrowsmith.

Life is very fine indeed.

thinking and walking

I love hiking - sometimes by myself. One of the chief reasons I love it so much is for the sheer physical beauty of the places I go.

But another thing is that it allows me to think - my brain tends to roam freely and often very productively. It isn't unusual for some of my best work to occur after a nice, long walk.

BUT - (yes, it's a big but) some of these "walking meditation" thoughts evaporate as quickly as they come. So I get back home thinking I'd love to blog about some of these profound thoughts I've had - only to look around and ask, "What thoughts?"

Oh well. I've often thought that some of our best internal discoveries vanish just because they're so good. We integrate them immediately and have no more need to be conscious of them.

At least - that's my excuse.

Wonderful day today - the second day in a row of not doing a stitch of work (I don't count my own writing or gardening as work). And I feel no guilt - nothing but peace, serenity, happiness. Here's an expression I've heard at lest seven times too often but I'm going to use it anyway - just because it applies so perfectly: I love my life!

a good day

It's a good day.

I haven't done much but I feel like I have moved mountains.

I've started my next writing project - oh sure, it's only one page so far, but it's a beginning.

I spent an hour weeding in the garden - in my shorts in the sunshine. Happiness.

I dared speak my truth to friends and felt heard - I have such a huge fear of rejection, criticism and disapproval that that is a major bridge for me to cross. I think it reflects well on my friends that they accept me warts and all.

I've completed other communications today that needed to get done.

Only one more important decision to make (other than the vacation next year). Should I or should I not spring for permanent eyebrow makeup?

You see, life is full of tough decisions.

Monday

That's it then. I've just finished writing my last contracted story. From now on I am totally freelance.

This is such an interesting feeling. When I walk with Abby in the park or the woods or the back forty, I find myself contemplating the question, "what's next?"

This morning I thought about my spiritual well being. Is it time to devote myself to this pursuit? (Not that I haven't done plenty of that already in my life!) And then how do I do that? More navel gazing or be in service to others?

At the moment I have many, many questions and very few answers. And that, I think, is a good place to be.

It's beginning

I feel like I'm making a new start - almost a new life. And it's little wonder. Retirement is, I think, one of the major turning points in life.

Starting high school - major

Moving away from home - big.

Getting married - huge.

Getting divorced - also major

Retirement - probably the most significant yet.

I find that I want to reflect on my life - to discover the predominant themes. What has my life been about? What have I accomplished? What is there still to achieve? Have I left a mark? How and where? But really, I think what I am looking for is the theme - the underlying melody that has woven its way in and out of the symphony of my life.

At first blush I see this as a time in my life that is just for me - at least initially. In my life I have done much for others: my parents, my teachers, my bosses, my spouses - I have tried hard to please all of them. This is a time to begin to please myself.

Hiking "The Zoo"

What is it they say? The worst day hiking is better than the best day working?

Something like that, even if in the original the reference was to fishing. Well, it was the perfect day for hiking "The Zoo." Simply couldn't have wished for finer company - M and dog.

It seems that every day my life gets better. And that's as it should be given I have spent almost 65 years creating this exact life. And here it is - this is what I have made. This is what I most wanted. Of all the choices that were available to me - education, careers, hobbies, friends, relationships - out of all those, this is what I chose. Looking at where I am right now in my life I would say that I chose wisely and well.

I live in paradise. I am happy. I am self-sufficient. I have a wonderful dog. I am healthy and fit.

Yes, I chose well.

It's all new

It all feels so new - so different. I spend most of my time giiddy with happiness. Take today for instance. No work today. Yesterday I wrote my last "contract" invoice. I am now officially 100 percent freelance.

So today was a day off. I cleaned the house and did the laundry and then gardened for the rest of the morning. This afternoon I hiked for two hours in the Lantzville foothills. The sunshine was heaven and I found a terrific new trail to the top of Mohawk. After that, a visit to Chapters and more books and then home. All of this without a trace of guilt or feeling I "should" be working.

This is complete freedom. I love it. And at the same time it's so novel and so new I can't really take it all in. After all, I've been working for at least 45 years - actually, probably 47 years. Oh sure there were a few months there when I was young when I wasn't exactly working. If was the 60's after all. But all in all, it's been pretty steady stuff.

And now, here I am.

So far so good.

More Decisions

Super - I can have accomodations for a week next year in Big Sur - gorgeous, rustic cabin in the redwoods. Now I have to make more decisions (so tough for me to do - and so hard for me to commit). When should I go? I am thinking maybe September and going for the whole month - meandering down the coast to Big Sur and then across to the Grand Canyon and then up through Yellowstone and the Tetons.

This could be a plan. In September the kids will be back in school and maybe it won't be quite as hot and I will have had the best of the summer here on Vancouver Island.

Sounds pretty good.

Damn - I'm going to agonize over this - I just know I am.

Aren't I the lucky one? The toughest and most stressful decision in my life is where and when to go on vacation.

fun with travel plans

I'm actually having quite a lovely time checking on the Internet for places to stay, places to go and things to do. I have this tremendous sense of freedom and possibilities - anything is possible. The world is my proverbial oyster. I have the time and the means to go where I want and do what I want. The big question now, of course, is "What do I want?"

I have always found it easier to shop in a boutique where my choices are limited as opposed to a department store where the selection of jeans or T-shirts is seemingly infinite. And that is what I am now faced with - an overwhelming choice.

On the bright side, making that choice and sifting through the offerings is a heckuva lot of fun!

And now I am off to the eye doctor to get the hated eye dilation and exam done. On another bright side, it's the beginning of having much better eyesight and probably never needing distance glasses again.

Vacillating

Decisions, decisions. For me, they are often not easy - at least, not this one right now. Just when I thought I'd decided to go to Europe next year, the idea of another road trip came up.

Of course, even the decision to go to Europe comes with caveats. Do I rent a studio apartment in Grindelwald or Murren for three weeks? Do I get a Eurailpass and move from place to place?

And then I thought about how much I dislike flying and how much I like road trips and how much I like the coast. What if I drove down to Big Sur again and rented a little cabin for a week? And what if I drove back through Yellowstone etc?

Interesting thought. I spoke to a woman in Big Sur today who rents a dog friendly cabin - price? $275 per night!!!

Gasp.

Needs more exploration.

Another Monday

And it's a happy Monday!

very happy.

Two more stories to do to fulfill my current contract - then it's the freelance life for me!

Every day I feel freer - but you know, that also feels a bit scary. Imagine - I have spent more than 45 years earning a living and being wholly responsible for myself - yes, even both times I was married. Believe me, I was 100 percent responsible.

Now it's time to kick back - to not "have to" earn a living. It feels strange. Wonderful but strange and, as I said, a little scary.

That's why, I think, it's so clever of me to do it in steps - freelance first with the same company I've been working with. And I'm going to do some mentoring of young writers. I want to help - contribute - do something in the big picture.

The grand adventure is underway.

Tired

I'm not just tired - I'm really tired - really really.

I had determined to spend the day working in the garden. So I did. After weeding the area around the raspberries (which wasn't easy given the hard, dry ground) I mulched. This involved close to 20 wheelbarrow loads of wood chips from the pile in the pasture. That was about three loads past my "I'm done" point.

Now I really am done.

I'm going to have a bubble bath. Then I'm going to read. Then I'm going to have a fresh-picked salad for dinner with fresh baked ciabatta bread slathered in sweet cultured butter - with blueberries for dessert.

I'm perking up already.

I also realize that this is my last week of "real work". After this I will be freelancing.

I can't say how excited I am. Freedom!

Hiking and chocolate

What do hiking and chocolate have in common?

Trick question. The answer, of course, is me! moi! ich!

I love both and combine them with considerable flair, especially today.

Abby and I set off on our favourite mid-island hike today - the yellow/blue route on Maple Mountain. Naturally I packed dark chocolate, which is my reward at the end of every hike. Since I have discovered organic, free trade Green & Black's chocolate, I am especially pleased.

Maple Mountain is spectacular at all times of the year: in the winter and spring with its green landscape, bare, gnarled garry oak branches and rushing waterfalls - and at this time of year with its tall, yellow spikes of grass and lush leafy branches - and at all times the endless views over the bays.

When we got back to the car, I unwrapped my chocolate but also remembered there was a bit of chocolate left in the console from last week's hike. And lo - it had completely melted. My first thought was to toss it. And then I smelled the enticing aroma of sun-warmed chocolate and I licked the wrapper. Wow! The best ever!

A double hit of chocolate today - melted and barred. I must have done something very good to deserve this.

Abby had her hiking reward too: a dead and rotten deer bone and something very stinky to roll in. Excellent!

The Best Laid Plans

Yesterday, I'd planned on a cool, calm, quiet and uneventful Friday - so uneventful that I assumed there would even be time to go to my favourite u-pick blueberry farm.

Then at 8 a.m. came the first panic email - a feature story that needed to get done today - lots of interviews and research. Okay, I let go of my initial feeling of intense irritation and hopped on it. A couple of hours later the second email - the front page story for the same issue had to get done too.

So I scheduled it in. Later still, another feature that needed to get done today reared its ugly head. I said "no" to that one.

The saving grace of all this is knowing that very, very soon I will be saying no to all of these crazy and unnecessary last-minute  requests. This is one of the main reasons I have made the decision to be freelance - this last minute panic stuff.

And now I'm done and ready for a wonderful soul-restoring hike on Maple Mountain tomorrow.

Loving Thursday

I'm totally loving this Thursday. This is how I envision many more days. A feature to write after lunch - a morning free to shop and hang out and a late afternoon and evening of gardening and more hanging out.

This is the life - completely stress free.

This is happiness.

Shy of a perfect day

It woulda, coulda, shoulda been a perfect day. After all, I have freedom and security - imagine that: both in one shot! I have a grand life, a wonderful dog, great memories from my most recent trip and even a winter trip to Costa Rica that I am contemplating with some seriousness.

I have no relationships to worry my head about. And I have a new writing project noodling away in my brain. In other words - life is perfect - right?

You'd be wrong. Why? Because, gentle reader, I have a f&*%ed up irrigation system I am still dealing with. Of yes - same old irrigation system. Yes, I do know that you have to turn it off to turn it on and everything was going swimmingly until yesterday when I moved the tall watering thingy that spins around and shoots out jets of water over the veggies. It has to be moved now and then and it's prongs sink into the soil and keep it in place. The trick to sinking those prongs is to stand on the base. However, with my grand weight of 102 pounds, it didn't sink quite far enough. It toppled over and by the time I found it, it had been stuck pouring water into the soil at one tiny spot for a bit.

Wisely, I set it back up and got a sledge hammer from the barn and pounded the shit out of the base to get those prongs into the ground. My pounding strength only exceeds my body weight strength by a minimal margin - but it worked. However, it seems I damaged the sprinkler head when it fell over and although it will still sprinkle it refuses to move around in a circle. This means that one ginormous zucchini plant is drowning while the beans are dying of thirst.

Who knew that irrigation could be so stressful and complicated?

Freedom

I'm excited. Oh yes I am! I had almost forgotten how important autonomy is to me. Not just important - essential. And today I got my autonomy back.

I had a wonderful meeting with my publisher. Truthfully, all my meetings in the past with him have also been good. He has treated me well - always.

I was clear with him that as of the end of this month I want to be freelance - strictly. No more quotas - and that means that a clear "no" to some stories will be an option. (think HVAC stories or Fabricating - yuck!!!)

I'm going to work when I want and how much I want. That said, I will probably write about as much as I do now. But I do love the sense of freedom. I also very much like the idea of mentoring a young writer to take over some of my work. The search for such a writer begins.

Semi-retirement - here I come!

Start of Another Week

This is the beginning of a phenomenal week.

I love this feeling of loose ends being tied up and of everything being settled. I'm the kind of person who makes lists and enjoys ticking off the items on the list as they get done. In fact, when I have a work list I usually tick off the whole list first thing in the morning - yes, even before I do a single thing. My theory is that I know that I will do them so why now acknowledge that? So I get to start the day feeling like I've already accomplished a full day's work.

Okay - so that's weird - but, hey, it works for me!

What else for today other than sane work? Well, the sun is shining, I am irrigating the garden and I've already had a super walk with Abby. I have a new stack of books from Chapters and I might even get my tires rotated later today.

Yup - it's all good. And peaceful - I like peaceful.

Mt. Drabble - not!

The views form Mount Drabble are lovely - but this photo was taken last year. This year we couldn't get near it! We hit snow almost as soon as we topped the old ski hill. By the time we got to the fork in the trail where you head left to Mt. Becher and right to Drabble there was nothing but snow with no trail visible.

We turned back. We then parked at the trailhead for Boston Ridge and hiked another hour to the rope climb and the log jam. It was a lovely day. Sometimes things don't turn out the way you planned them. So you make the best of it and still have a wonderful time.

I even had time to stop at Chapters on the way home! Scored six new books!

The sun is still shining and I harvested beans, herbs and zucchini - how could it not be a perfect day?

A day in the garden

Maybe not a whole day in the garden, but definitely the morning.

I'm thrilled that I finally have the irrigation system working. Who knew that to turn it on you had to hit the off switch!?

So - sowed my last batch of lettuce, did a lot of weeding and now irrigating. There's something wonderful about digging, planting and making a beautiful garden, flowers or vegetables. And I love harvesting. Yesterday it was beans and raspberries and squash. Today it will be lettuce, herbs and cukes for a monster salad.

The sun is shining, Abby is loving the deck - I am loving the weekend!

Weekend at last

This was the Ontario scenery I enjoyed only three weeks ago. Hard to fathom that this is the landscape I was walking through only three weeks ago. And two weeks ago I was walking through the streets of a small town in central Michigan.

I think I was born a nomad at heart. At the same time, it's good to be home - and to be going to Strathcona to hike this weekend. I am breathing easier. These past four days were crazy. But I think I'm caught up. Tomorrow I will try once again to uncover the mysteries of the irrigation system on the farm. With any luck I'll get it working. If not, perhaps I'll just sit down and cry - at least the tears will offer one tiny option of dampness for the plants.

Meanwhile I have harvested beans, summer savory and more raspberries.

Summer is bountiful, prodigal and and immeasurably delightful.

Stress

Oh yes - work stress.

Crazy day - crazy enough that I used the F word. By this time next week my work life will have changed considerably. I no longer need this kind of stress in my life. Not!

And I have said no. I'm not comfortable with it but I said it.

I keep recalling where I was three weeks ago today (in Massey Ontario - see chutes above). Two weeks ago, at my brother's beautiful house on the shores of Lake Ontario for a farewell dinner before hitting the road again and one week ago just south of the border for a final  night on the road before heading home.

The happiest of those memories is Massey - because I love being on the road. Travelling focuses the mind. All I need to think about is eating, sleeping and the road spinning away under my wheels.

I am fully committed to making the changes necessary in my life immediately to bring that kind of focus to my life every day - a focus on the important things like living, eating, breathing, smiling.

A great visit today with David, Ruth and Panda.

Going Grey

I'm done colouring my hair. I mean really - what on earth for?

Now that I've decided to retire more - to work less - to play more - and most importantly to celebrate my singleness and to fully embrace and adore being alone, why on earth do I want to keep on colouring my hair? My mother is 95 years old and still dyes her hair - unfortunately it's blue and she thinks it's brown. I emphatically do not want to by colouring my hair at age 95 - or ever again for all that.

This is a very freeing decision. It's also a thrifty one. Think of the money I'm going to save!

Back to Work

Back to work indeed. And it's far easier and more stress-free than I could have imagined. I am doing not 14 but 8 stories this week - still a lot but manageable. My publisher didn't hesitate to pick up the rest.

So it's good. One assignment already done - two more lined up for tomorrow. Now, if I can get everyone else to return my messages, that would be good. Sometimes I think the toughest part of this job is just finding people, getting them to return calls and then keep those darn appointments they make.

Oh well.

I feel a grand change coming on - and it's coming on soon.

So - no stress. Lovely day.

BC Day

Monday morning - already I woke up feeling tense - knowing that a working day of impossible proportions awaits me tomorrow. I'll be interested to see how gracefully (or not) I manage to handle it. I envision grace.

What I know for sure is that I refuse to live with work stress - I am done with that.

What I also know for sure is that I love being alone. This trip really brought it into focus. Love? Relationship? It would have to be something mighty to make me change my life. I love my life. I love being solitary and choosing company when I want it.

I love my friends. I adore my dog. I love my silly routines and the utter peace of my little home in the country. I love the slowing down of the pace of my life. I want it to slow down farther. I want to not only smell the roses but to also notice the heart of them. I want to write without goals or deadlines in mind.

I sense a great deal of joy flooding into my life.

Tomorrow is challenge I am anticipating with a certain amount of eagerness. It's the beginning.