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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Questions about the man


I don't know if I can do this. Does it get harder to start a relationship as we get older? Is it more difficult because of the distance involved? With distance the time together is intense and protracted - no movie and dinner nights - whole weekends at a time.

So last night we talked about him coming here for Christmas and we agreed to do that. This morning I want to run. It's too much. But I doubt myself. He's a terrific guy. I like him. I like his lifestyle and his dogs and we have fun together. But when he puts his arms around me I want to pull away. There is no "fire in the belly" so to speak. Is this something that would come with time? Or not? Am I willing to give it time when time spent together is so intense that I want to pull away more than I want to be close?

These are a lot of questions. I ask myself if the reason I want to run is because I have moved out of my comfort zone - in a good way. I wanted a relationship that is different - and this one has that potential. But all my instincts are saying "no."

Is he at the top or bottom end of my comfort zone? Do I like being alone so much that I no longer want a relationship at all? More questions.

What I think (feel, sense, intuit) is that this one was close but no cigar and that I should follow my gut feeling and continue to look. Just because I said I wanted something completely different, doesn't mean I ruled out passion - in fact, I was quite clear that passion had to be part of the picture. Do I want to settle for something that is "almost" perfect? I don't think so - I have never been willing to settle for anything in my life. I want it all and I know that I can have it all.

Perhaps I need to look at this as another step on the path that is bringing me closer to the relationship that I want.

Questions and thoughts to mull over today. Advice is welcome. Decisions must be made by end of day. Deep breath - trusting myself to do what is right.

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