Not Enlightened Yet

Not even remotely enlightened yet. My feet are made of clay. And I actually think I'm okay with that.

Dropped into the office this morning. Chatted with my publisher. So he has another freelancer doing work - and I was surprised how I felt a pang when he told me. Oh no! I should be doing all that work! What if he stops sending any work at all my way?

And so on - all my old insecurities of not being good enough and not being loved and admired and needed - all of it came up in one swell foop.

And it's just an automatic reaction. It has no basis in reality. I don't even want to be doing all the work any more. I want to be freelance. I want to share the workload.

I have years and years of conditioning to undo and I can see that undoing it is not going to be the work of a moment - not to be done with a snap of the fingers. There's going to be all that insecurity of being "out of the loop" - I've heard about that and I'm willing to experience all of this - as long as all the good feelings and joy and happiness outweigh the doubts.

So far the scales are definitely tipped in my direction - and I intend to keep them there, while accepting the fact that there are generally a few unexpected potholes on the road of life.