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Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Ambition


I went to bed last night with an oddly empty feeling. It was Monday - end of day - I hadn't done a stitch of work and had no work lined up for the next day or the next. I recalled my brother telling me last year that retirement is not a piece of cake - work is better.

Is it? It depends on the work you do, I suppose. Are you passionate about it?

But that isn't where my mind settled. What I thought about was the years when I was truly ambitious. There was a time when I worked very long hours and I worked very hard and when I had a great deal of stress in my life. I worked nights and I worked weekends. I had visions of awards (and won some) and rising up the corporate ladder - and did. I tried to remember exactly how it felt to have this overriding sense of - not purpose - but simply ambition - of wanting to get to the mythical, elusive top and of competing with others to get there.

I lived that life and, for the most part, I believe I enjoyed it. When I got up in the morning it was with a sense of purpose and almost, destiny.

I can't imagine recapturing that feeling. And last night I felt a sense of loss. It wasn't a big sad feeling, mind you, just an acknowledgment that it's gone. What replaces it? Contentment? I don't think that would be enough for me.

I find myself in an in-between time - not really working a full day - not really fully retired. I feel that I "should" be working and so feel restless and unsatisfied when I don't. That's why weekends are so lovely. I'm not "supposed" to be working on weekends so it's all right then.

It's a transition. How to handle it with grace and joy? I know I need a new project. I need to write another book - I am waiting for inspiration to strike.

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