I was thinking today as I was walking on the Cable Bay trail in a summer sun-induced stupor - how insanely happy I am. Sure I'm happy because of the simple things: sunshine, a perfect day of working in the garden and making it look gorgeous - a day of harvesting sweet strawberries and a monster bowl of kale - a day of driving into town and shopping for groceries - a day of just plain contentment. I love the sound of the tractor in the field starting the hay-making process.
But my thoughts also turned to the origins of this happiness. I've been feeling increasingly happy over the last few years - especially in the past 12 months or so. And then it occurred to me that the times of greatest contentment in my life have been when I was single and unattached.
I have been married twice and I have been in several relationships. After the initial euphoria (infatuation stage) I honestly admit that the relationships have not added to my happiness.
I wonder if perhaps some people thrive better on their own. It's absolutely true that autonomy is my greatest strength. I do my best work alone and have worked independently most of my life. I am self motivated. I derive immense satisfaction and achieve great peace in my own company. I do better on my own.
In the past, whenever I have been in a relationship, I have given parts of myself away. Not good. It's a sure way to sabotage myself and the relationship. There could and surely are any number of factors that have combined to make me reasonably rotten at relationships and spectacularly good on my own. I'm sure those factors include childhood influences but I'm not in the least bit interested in rooting around and digging them up and assigning blame for my current condition.
Rather, I'm eager to celebrate my happiness. I have dear friends and a wonderful dog. My life is phenomenal. And I have arranged for my life to be exactly the way it is. I love it.
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